“IT WAS DEAD THE WHOLE TIME!” – if M. Night Shyamalan directed Schrödinger’s Cat
— shelbyfero

Liz Taylor instructed she arrive 15 min late to her own funeral. I’ve instructed my body disappear down a sudden wormhole.
— GeorgeTakei

Think your job sucks? Remember, there’s a satellite whose job is beaming episodes of ‘According to Jim’ to Earth.
— DamienFahey

Disney should do a movie about a princess that talks to woodland creatures and they convince her to go to grad school.
— sween

Little kids need to be taught that the 5th time they ask the same question, their grandpa will be eaten by a robot wolf.
— robdelaney

Left the waitress a tip of $4.04. Now I’m concerned she won’t be able to find it.
— meyerweb