Every time you swim in the ocean and you hit a warm patch? Aquaman pee.
— sween

IMPORTANT: The Universe contains material that may be objectionable to children under 17. [Cancel] [[OK]]
— hotdogsladies

Hey, ancient Egyptians! I’m eating popcorn that I cooked inside a bag in under a minute. Fuck your pyramids.
— kolchak

A 14-yr-old killed his parents because he didn’t want to take out the trash. What did he think he’d do with the bodies?
— BorowitzReport

They should re-release ‘The Lost Boys’ with the title ’24: Twilight.’ Cha-ching!
— badbanana

A superscript is a script that was rocketed to Earth as an infant from its doomed homeworld.
— FakeAPStylebook

So there I am, feasting on brains, and this dude calls me the z-word. And I’m like, “It’s un-dead American, asshole!” Yeesh.
— RexHuppke