The weirdest part about being a parent is having to pretend to your child that the world makes sense.
— amuirin

Saw a kid wearing ripped up clothes while getting out of a ’89 Bronco II. I told him how awesome it is here in the future.
— YeahImAshley

I’d like to tell you I can keep you safe Son but lets be realistic here, we’re dealing with a closet that has a God damn monster in it.
— OverlandParker

Maybe the dingo gave your baby to someone who wasn’t so fucking neglectful. You ever consider that?
— Brain_Wash

I would’ve bought you flowers, but a drunk hamster lives about as long, costs the same, and is much more entertaining.
— sucittaM

I bet Edward Scissorhands is very much afraid of Edward Rockhands.
— JerryThomas

The USPS revealed a new wedding stamp today featuring pansies. If this is their way of acknowledging gay marriage, I call Bullshit.
— CelticWombat