The Cafe

FUN: CAPTION THIS!: GALLERY We supply the picture, you supply the caption!

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01/2008 02/2008
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"OK guys, I know the 'We're sending a giant, budget-crashing, deep-space vessel full of forest out to wander aimlessly and protect Earth's valuable botanical heritage' cover story was pretty lame. Now that we've passed turnover and entered radio-silence I am empowered to reveal to you that we're actually on a green ops, covert mission to deliver our cargo to Chinchin III, where our ally Pyghee II has succeeded his recently deceased brother. Once delivered, our cargo will be utilized in the construction of a stronghold which Pyghee II hopes will be sufficient to repel a second attack by sinister agents from the Lupus Major system." (Shadow)

Spending years wandering the galaxy after speaking to the crazy old man on Tatooine, Stormtrooper Bob finally found the droids he was looking for. (J. Clineff)

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Once the size of the aliens was confirmed, Dr. Handley proposed defeating them with insurance salesmen in suppository form. (Lileks)

"Honestly Mr. Hitchcock, I don't believe Killer Gonads From Outer Space could be a viable movie option!" (Schmuck)

Much to the joy of the otherwise un-date-able generals, with the addition of the "helmet", test subject "Linda" does in fact find herself inexplicably attracted to the fat sweaty bald man. (Min Donner)

"Gentlemen, the name is Cranium, Richard Cranium." (Min Donner)

Secretary Jane finds herself too intimidated by the brilliant men in the room to point out the obvious flaw in the new $14 billion dollar space helmet. (Min Donner)

Much to the chagrin of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the President settled on a missile cap since all available lampshades were taken. (Min Donner)

"It's no use dear, nothing you wear on your head will distract anyone from that hideous tie." (Min Donner)

Though Buzz "Twist My Ankles" Megawatt was long retired from the superhero business, he never tired of relating the tale of the time when, in his prime, "Vibratorman" had, singlehandedly, brought the Attack Of The Fifty Foot Woman to a screeching (some would say moaning) halt. (Shadow)

The first production of Spaceballs, in the 1950's, never made it out of the editing room. (daleb)

03/2008 04/2008
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And then what did Britney do? OMG! (Chip)

So this is Dating on EHarmony!!! (BLR WIZ)

After a marathon session intended to cure mild near-sightedness encountered several unexpected glitches, Dr. Scheider felt compelled to remind Tommy that Lasik wasn't for everybody. (Shadow)

Ahhh...Now that I've got the cover off I can see the source of the problem. The verbal processing core shorted against the eyebrow servos. The short apparently caused a surge that blew a fuse in the lumbar relays, and the delayed response was tap dancing in front of reporters in the Rose Garden. Tell mr. Cheney that I'll install a new verbal core with the requested pronunciations for "nuclear" and "Iraq"; we'll close it up, slap the dermals and hair back on, and the president should be ready for the four PM news conference. (Shadow)

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I hate it when the rent is due. (BLRWIZ)

Even though she considered herself a moderate conservative, Barbara still hated it whan the Republicans canvassed door-to-door. (Shadow)

As Freddy stumped wearily through the door after another fruitless day of job-searching, Jennifer couldn't help wondering, once again, what her life might have been like if only she had married the Goblin King instead. (Shadow)

Ahh come one. You're right there! I can see your shoulder! You're not even trying! Kids these days. Back when I first started killing coeds, those girls could run for miles. Now you kids just pick a lousy spot and think you're hiding. I blame the video games. You're inside all day playing Guitar Hero when you should be outside getting exercise. I'm starting to wonder why I even bother anymore. (Min Donner)

05/2008 06/2008
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After frenziedly uncrating his new Hotbody 9000 animatronic courtesan, Hector's joy was somewhat subdued when, even after consulting the manual twice, he was still unable to find the red "Fellatio" button. (Shadow)

Although Lord Greystoke, after his return from darkest Africa, had become largely reconciled with human society, his conception of foreplay still owed much to his adoptive simian culture. (Shadow)

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Even though the crazy old scientist at the abandoned university had told him that the effect of the 70s Gun was to render your target immediately stoned into paranoid immobility, Snake still thought that the spontaneous appearance of sideburns on both shooter and target was a nice aesthetic touch. (Shadow)

In a post apocalyptic world where sanity hangs by a thread, useless impractical medicine never stops advancing as demonstrated by Dr. (call me Snake) Plisskenís handheld Lasik Eye Surgery device. (Min Donner)

No, it is YOUR turn to take out the garbage. (DerHexer)

It's Pinky and the Brain. Narf. (BLR WIZ)

Tell me where you hid my Winning Lottery Ticket. (BLR WIZ)

Yes, theyr'e sharing a drink they call loneliness
But it's better than drinki'n alone (BLR WIZ)

Are you sure you don't like my new boots? (daleb)

07/2008 08/2008
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Is this really a good way for a man to earn a decent living??? (Schmuck)

In the future all comedians who stop being funny will be required to use a pacifier. (BLR WIZ)

Perhaps somewhat predictably, Soon-Yi failed to disclose her robot fetish until *after* the wedding. (Shadow)

The exceptionally detailed 35th anniversary "Sleeper" Kosher Salt Shaker is scaled at actual life size, so it fits easily on your countertop or in your cabinet. (Shadow)

o/~ Here comes uncle Ernie to guide you to - your very own machine! o/~ (Shadow)

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Little-known fact: Brad Pitt is terrified of wide lapels. (Chip)

Bruce, I am your Father!! (BLR WIZ)

Publicity still from the new movie The Cold War! staring Bruce Willis as Mikhail Gorbachev, Brad Pitt as the young George W. Bush, and James Earl Jones reprising his role as Justice Tolkien Black (Min Donner)

09/2008 10/2008
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The worst side-effects of Lasik eye surgery were discovered too late. (Chip)

o/~ Mama told me not to look into the eyes of the sun...o/~
Even after thirty years as a tribute band, Omega Mann & The Earth Band could still bring an audience to its feet with their highly choreographed rendition of "Blinded By The Light". (Shadow)

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Here, in one single image, is why I'm glad the 70s are over. (Chip)

"The name is Bondage, James Bondage." (Shadow)

"Wardrobe! Wardrobe! I think there has been a mistake!" (daleb)

11/2008 12/2008
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You too can own a piece of history with the new Obama-bot. It pats you on the back with hope while reaching into your pockets for change! (Min Donner)

To be fair and balanced:

Global Robotics was forced to recall the McCain-bot after the Better Business Bureau discovered it was simply the George Bush-bot with a different face. (Min Donner)

This is the tragic moment when John finds out that his HMO had made some changes and cut-backs. (BLR WIZ)

As Roderick sat in silent anticipation of the vibrator enhancement procedure for which he'd scrimped and saved his indenture credits, Dr. Leachman again reminded him that she would need to conduct extensive post-procedural testing of the new equipment...personally. (Shadow)

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Every teenager in the world has felt exactly like this the first time they develop a zit before a date. (Chip)

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